Broken Heart

                  Clip-art of broken heart being mended by thread

     You know some people really know how to break your heart. I’ve been sad about things that have happened to me in my life but nothing hurts more than a broken heart because of the choice of someone you love. Whether this person makes a choice that hurts them or hurts you, the heart break is just the same. When you care deeply about the people you love, this kind of heart break causes you a deep sorrow but eventually you have to let it go. You have to let people go too. Some people have to be left completely while others have to be kept at a certain distance depending on the state of your own heart and your wounds. I hope this makes sense but a lot of people I know are dysfunctional, including me.                                                                                                                        I know myself well but it wasn’t until the beginning of this year that I found out exactly who I am, what I deserve, and what my limits are. It is painful to be abused by someone else but the problem is whether you are letting someone abuse you because you care about them, are afraid to be abandoned, or think that’s all you deserve you are lacking something very very important and that is self love. I was abused emotionally by someone I really looked up to and loved very deeply. A lot of people are abused emotionally, physically, mentally, sexually, verbally, and even financially. It is important to understand what each type of abuse is, what the behaviors look like in a relationship, and how to either avoid it or stop it from continuing to happen to you.                                           I know I’m only 22 but from what I’ve been through and from observing the relationships around me there are 2 things that cause people to stay in unhealthy, abusive, dysfunctional, and unhappy relationships. Those 2 things are a lack of self love and denial. We don’t love ourselves so we want someone else to make us feel loved and validate us. We hate ourself so we just want someone to need us and maybe that hatred won’t be so loud. We lack that self love so we don’t take care of ourself, maybe if we take care of someone else we’ll like ourself better. Maybe if we focus all of our attention, time, and energy on helping someone completely toxic then we will feel better about who we are. All of these thoughts are lies that we tell ourselves hoping our life will get better, that the wounds we have will be healed, we will feel loved, and be happy. This leads to a very unhealthy place emotionally and mentally. Our worth and happiness is so unstable in this situation. It can be at an all time high and then be completely ripped away from us because it all depends on another person.                                                                                       As we live through this constantly turbulent state of happiness and sadness there is one other thing we have to do to get deeper into the relationship and stay for a long time. Deny, deny, deny. People around us will warn us that we are getting hurt and we ignore them or get mad at them because we deny that the toxic person is hurting us. We deny that they completely disregarded our feelings or are well being. We deny that the things they say to us or do to us is damaging us. We deny that everything they say does not line up with what they do. We deny that we are drained, sad, and empty. We deny that we need to get help and be healthier. We deny that we deserve better and eventually need to separate ourselves from this abusive person. When the abusive person is nice to us it feels so good though. We like the way it feels when they say nice things to us and that deep emotion that we think is love courses through our entire body. We like it when we have that friendship or romance with someone that is completely awful to us because they know how to say all of the right things and promise us everything we ever wanted. We like that when they feel like being kind it makes us feel loved and worth something. Never mind the fact that they will take that away at any moment they feel like it and we will be broken. Never mind that they take advantage of us and take no responsibility for hurting us. Never mind that those moments are just moments but the whole of the relationship is sad and going in a circle. Never mind that you are giving everything and they are giving nothing. Can you see why this is not ok? Can you see why you have felt so unhappy and broken because of the way you allow someone else to treat you? Can you understand why your sibling or best friend or parent runs around in a circle with that toxic human being?                                                                                                                                    Here’s the thing though. You are in complete control. You can take all of your power back if you get help and learn to love yourself. Getting help for me was going to therapy. I’ve done therapy for over a year now. I did systematic experiencing and EMDR. Both helped but EMDR changed my life. The reason why we don’t like ourselves is because we were taught some negative things from memories growing up. Whether your parents were abusive or not there are still weak moments that usually turn into an unpleasant memory for you. These memories along with a negative belief about yourself are saved in your mind and soul forever. Those negative beliefs about ourselves will stick with us for the rest of our lives if we don’t figure out where they are coming from and decide consciously to fight them. We say things to ourselves like, “I’m not good enough” “I don’t matter” “People don’t like me” “I’m not lovable” “I’m invisible” “I’m too weird” “I’m a burden to others” ” I’m stupid” “I don’t deserve to feel happy” “I’m not worth it” I don’t deserve to be loved completely” The list goes on and on. Don’t thoughts like this sound familiar? They did for me once too and sometimes they still creep up on me.                           EMDR stands for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. I’m not a professional but basically you are desensitizing yourself to the negative memory which is usually traumatic and to the negative belief about your self. The second part to it is reprocessing, which is basically thinking of that original negative memory with a positive belief. This way your brain is connecting a belief like “I am lovable” “I matter” “I am enough” to the negative memory so that in any situation that feels familiar to the negative memory you can automatically believe something good about yourself rather than something bad. This process takes time, dedication, and a true desire for a positive change in your life but IT IS WORTH IT. Your mental health is worth it. Your overall quality of life and happiness is worth it. The way you feel about yourself and the way you talk to yourself is very important. YOU ARE WORTH IT. I encourage you to figure out what getting help looks like for you. I’m not going to tell you that therapy is the only answer but I think it can benefit everyone in some way and create healing for those who want to be healed. I encourage you to learn how to love yourself and fully accept yourself. I would look up positive affirmations on pinterest if I were you. I’ll try to link my affirmation boards on here. I read them every single day because they help me have more self confidence and continue to build a love for myself. Loving yourself is a choice everyday and I think it takes a lifetime to truly know who you are, love who you are, and accept who you are fully. Starting that journey will help you have a happier life, healthier soul, and more fulfilling relationships. So just be brave and fight for yourself, you deserve it. self love affirmations life changing affirmations

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