Detaching Takes Time

Detaching from someone you love can be very painful. It takes time and it really is a learning process. Detaching from someone doesn’t mean that you don’t love them anymore. It doesn’t mean that you don’t care about them anymore but it does mean that you love yourself enough to walk away. Walk away from their toxic behavior. Walk away from them hurting you over and over again. Walk away from the pain that they so easily cause you without the ability or willingness to take responsibility for it. You have to love yourself to successfully do this. What do you like about yourself? What strengths do you have? What kind of person are you? If you’re here reading this I assume that you are a very empathetic and kind person. I assume that you are loving and deserve the world. You deserve all of the love and compassion that you give so freely even to people who hurt you and have nothing to offer you. Believe my words. Hold onto those words and walk away from that toxic person with a grace and sorrow that most people can’t understand. I understand it though, in a way because I’ve done it.

Read self affirmations everyday until you believe them.  There’s a book called The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations for Codependents (Hazelden Meditation Series  and it is filled with affirmations that will help you heal and create emotional resistance for yourself. I’m reading it right now and it’s very powerful! You can buy it on amazon for $12, just click on the title of it here The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations for Codependents (Hazelden Meditation Series). (You can even get it on your kindle!) I’m telling you this book will make a real difference in your life so just give it a read. Create boundaries with this person. You can’t fix them. You can’t do their emotional work for them. You are not responsible for their healing or decisions. It’s ok to say no to them. You don’t have to anticipate their needs. You are enough and you are responsible for your own happiness, that’s all. Forgive this person and yourself and eventually, you will be able to give love without receiving it from them. The truth is you will become a strong and healthy person. You will be capable of loving yourself and taking care of yourself so you won’t need someone else to do that. You won’t have to sacrifice your emotional or mental health so that you can feel loved by them or anyone else. No one can make you love yourself or appreciate yourself, you are the only that can do that. Don’t focus on the fact that they abused the love and goodness you offered them. Focus on the fact that you have the ability to love and be kind even when you are broken and being mistreated but now you want more for yourself. You realize there is more for you and you hope that they realize that one day too. For now you walk away, you love yourself, you forgive, and you keep a big distance from them. Don’t confide in this person anymore. Don’t express your love openly and consistently. Don’t trust them with your feelings and hard times. Don’t be vulnerable with them. It’s not out of bitterness or hate it is out of self respect. If you’re here reading this know that doing any of those things you wish you could desperately do with this person are completely dangerous if you want to detach and heal. It will stop your progress and make you take steps backwards. You can do it though. I believe in you and so does everyone else that loves you more than they hurt you.

29 thoughts on “Detaching Takes Time

  1. What a beautiful article. I wish I had Pinterest when I first left my husband, my anger over took me, my pain at having to put up boundaries I didn’t want to broke me and I couldn’t forgive either of us, but worse was that he kept telling the kids it was my fault and I had to defend myself constantly. See I didn’t leave to save myself, I left to save my boys. It’s taken years to even contemplate forgiveness of myself of course, as it’s so much easier to forg and excuse others behaviour. So again, thank you for putting yourself out there, to show your vulnerabilities to help others, because your words have helped me today.

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    1. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I’m glad that you left for your boys and thank you so much for your kind words, I’m glad that mine helped you today! 🙂

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    1. Hi Jordan, I’m so glad that this helped you. It’s ok if you don’t love yourself right now but I hope that you do soon❤️ and no problem, I know what that feels like!

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  2. What a beautiful article, there is a lot of wisdom there for someone so young, for some as we go through life’s trials a rare opportunity arises especially for someone who has the talent to write how it felt and what they learned in away that can teach and help others get through something similar a little faster or a little easier, that is a rare honor and a great blessing, you have that talent my girl keep it up!❤️

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  3. I’m doing all the things I need to be doing to love me again. It’s still painful because I am still in love with the ex. Wish there were a switch to turn the love for him off.

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    1. Hi Kathy, I’m glad you are doing all the things you need to be doing to love yourself again. I’m sorry that it’s still painful, I think a part of you will always love him but you can still live with out him and be happy. I believe in you!

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  4. Hi….my boyfriend of 6 years told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore..and that he has been trying to get his love for me back for a year now… he has a 13 year old daughter. Lately this tension has been distancing us… I stayed hopeful that rough times happen but I would work hard to get through it….he said it was too much work and he didn’t want to try anymore…
    Without that wedge between us we truly are so compatible in every way
    I just lost the love of my life because I couldn’t build my self esteem to be able to live with his daughter .
    I know in time I could. ..it’s a shame he gave up… I never thought he would ever give up ..
    I keep hoping I he will change his mind ….

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    1. I’m sorry for your heart break Melissa. Sometimes things don’t work out the way we want them to and people don’t choose us when we would always choose them. While it is a complicated situation try to focus on what you learned and love yourself through this difficult time. Love doesn’t just die one day, to love someone is to choose to love them each day. I’m sure that as your heart heals you will end up with someone that chooses you everyday forever and ever.

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  5. Hi there.I have a problem letting go,that’s anytime I say I want to do it,I always feel guilty and afraid of doing it… My heart also ache and it turns to be heavy,which makes me to change my mind about it. Please help me out,the relationship is not an abusive relationship but the problem is that I have tried to love but is nt working and I need help please

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    1. Hi Stella! You might feel guilty and afraid of doing it because you are taking too much responsibility for the other person. Was this person able to survive with out you before the relationship? Do they make you feel like their whole world will end with out you? Do you feel like if you end it they won’t be okay without you? All of those thoughts and feelings are not healthy if that’s what you are experiencing because if you end it they will be able to go on with their life. They can take care of themself and go on living perfectly fine.

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    1. No problem❤️ do what you need to do!! I’m so happy you’re learning to love yourself, it matters and it takes time😘

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  6. Wow. You are so inspiring. I am going through a tough break up at the moment and this is really what I needed to hear. Thank you for your insight and knowledge, may so many blessings come your way!

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    1. Thank you so much AJ! I’m glad you found comfort through my experience and some of my words. I hope you feel better and can heal from your break up💗

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  7. Someone that I fell in love with recently broke up with me and I’m trying to to pick up the pieces. I haven’t been eating, he told me that we would never be back together. I’m heartbroken, I just have to get the strength to move forward.

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    1. I’m so sorry Denise. I hope that as you move forward you’ll start to feel more like yourself again and be able to eat. Heartbreak is never easy to heal from but it is doable, you’re resilient! Even though it feels impossible right now you will make it through and you will find love again!

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  8. I needed this so much. I am currently getting ready to divorce my husband of 30 years after finding out he has been having an ongoing affair with a coworker. I am devastated. I need to find a way to detach from this and start to heal and love myself enough not to keep letting him hurt me. Your article is really helping me see this.

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    1. Jane I’m so touched that you shared part of your story with me and that this is helping you during such a devastating time. Also so proud that you are divorcing him, you deserve so much better! He has hurt you enough, it’s time to move forward and be happy! Live the life that you want. Live the life that you deserve! I promise that as you love yourself and heal you will cross paths with people that add even more joy and love into your life rather than heart break❤️

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  9. I’m a 20 year old woman and I’ve been dating a 32 year old woman for what would’ve been 2 years this October. We just broke up and I’m taking it really hard. We meet through our job and we immediately hit it off. We were happy at first but very early on I saw red flags that I ignored. Like her getting mad when I would want to see my friends and family. She started controlling who I could talk to and who I could see and I just let this go on even feeling the feelings that I did. I left twice and I came back because she would guilt trip me and beg me to come home and kept promising change. But things only got worse for me. The relationship went from mental and emotional abuse and over time it got physical on her part after I came back. Finally one day I just got tired of living on edge all of the time and after thinking about it long enough, I gathered what i could while she was in the restroom and left. I still feel really guilty and she’s been really nice to me wanting me to come back and it’s messing with my head. Every time she tries to get to me I try to remind myself of all of the things she’s either done or said to me. And all of the relationships with the people closest in my life that she could’ve destroyed. I’m trying really hard to keep my job, since we still work together. Eventually she will be above me because she recently just applied for a new position. I’m nervous that she will get nasty with me at work because I left. I’m trying to stay positive and stay at my job because it’s a state jobs and I have good benefits and I can take time off when needed. It’s just hard seeing her every day and I still feel guilty about leaving. I feel like I gave up on her, even though I did what I could.

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    1. Hi Lina, I’m sorry you’re going through this. You did the right thing though, never doubt that. Don’t justify going back to her because she’s kind to you sometimes, you know that the good times don’t out weigh the bad even though it feels like it. Keep doing what you’re doing, it’s not your fault that you had to walk away from her. It’s her fault, you could only take so much. You could only give so much. Maybe find a different job, it’s a good opportunity but I’m sure having peace at your job and not seeing her everyday is an even better opportunity. You don’t have to take my advice but I hope it helps you in some way💕

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      1. Thank you, I really appreciate your kind words. 💕I also bought one of the books that you have mentioned in your other posts, The Language of Letting Go. I’m looking forward to reading it.

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