Shame is lame

shame

Brené Brown has a Ted Talk about shame that I want to share on here. She has a lot of books that can bring people understanding and healing. The book that goes with this Ted Talk is called The Power of Vulnerability. She also wrote The Gifts of Imperfection and I Thought It Was Just Me. I really want to read both of those soon. Anyways we watched this Ted Talk in my Cultural Aspects of Health and Illness class today and I got emotional as I listened to her talk. The reason why it made me cry was because Brené Brown’s break down of shame was taught to me by one of my therapists and it really helped me. It helped me understand why I sink into depression and stay in it. It helped me understand that the reason why I felt so sad all of the time was because I had issues that were fueled by shame. There is a big difference between shame and guilt. Guilt is like “I did something bad” and shame is “I am bad.” You can’t really grow or get better if you believe you are bad or stupid or unlovable or unacceptable. Thoughts like those fueled my self hatred and caused me to be less than compassionate with myself. Just listen to every minute of this Ted Talk and you will understand what I’m trying to explain. You’ll understand why you have to take the time to figure out why you believe you are unworthy of love, compassion, and acceptance. Once you do you can work on healing it and once it heals you will be freed of self limiting beliefs and unhappiness. I promise. You might also want to take this shame test while you’re at it and reflect on your results.  Brené Browns TED TALK

Feeling Anxious?

You know when you’re at a concert and the music is so loud and the speakers are just blaring every beat

You know how you can feel that beat because it’s so intense

It’s in your chest and it pounds and pounds every time they hit the drum

Some times the pounding creeps from your chest and all the way up to your throat making you feel like you need to cough

Well imagine this unsettling pounding feeling coming from your heart

Imagine that beat and that intensity

The thud thud thud making you feel like you can’t breath

Imagine your throats tightening and your world spinning

Imagine you feel trapped and all the while there’s your heart beating like a drum at an abnormal speed

This is the feeling of anxietyanxious heart

Goodness

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People do not like people who are good. They do not like people who are well liked. They do not like people who are kind and genuine. Confidence and kindness is threatening to people who act or treat people any differently. I often find myself baffled at the hate that comes from human beings and the cruel treatment they are willing to give. I can’t try to understand someone who is willing to be mean or put another person down. It is extremely confusing to watch someone purposely hurt a person who is kind and has genuine intentions. Or to listen to gossip that circles around someone who is nothing but good to others. Why do people make it their goal to hurt others. It is very strange to me. I think some of the meanest people we encounter are very mean to themselves. Yet I still can’t come to understand that either because there are plenty of people who are not the kindest to themselves and do not have the greatest self confidence and they genuinely are kind and polite to others. Maybe some deal with that self hatred by being kind so that they can feel loved and others deal with it by being mean so that they aren’t the only ones that feel that crappy. I prefer kindness. I prefer people with genuine intentions and soft hearts. I prefer people who know they have weaknesses and issues and try to work on them instead of blame everyone else. People who blame all of their problems on everyone else never change and somehow justify treating others poorly. It’s wrong. It has never done anyone any good. Don’t be like that. Be better and stronger than that.

Broken Heart

                  Clip-art of broken heart being mended by thread

     You know some people really know how to break your heart. I’ve been sad about things that have happened to me in my life but nothing hurts more than a broken heart because of the choice of someone you love. Whether this person makes a choice that hurts them or hurts you, the heart break is just the same. When you care deeply about the people you love, this kind of heart break causes you a deep sorrow but eventually you have to let it go. You have to let people go too. Some people have to be left completely while others have to be kept at a certain distance depending on the state of your own heart and your wounds. I hope this makes sense but a lot of people I know are dysfunctional, including me.                                                                                                                        I know myself well but it wasn’t until the beginning of this year that I found out exactly who I am, what I deserve, and what my limits are. It is painful to be abused by someone else but the problem is whether you are letting someone abuse you because you care about them, are afraid to be abandoned, or think that’s all you deserve you are lacking something very very important and that is self love. I was abused emotionally by someone I really looked up to and loved very deeply. A lot of people are abused emotionally, physically, mentally, sexually, verbally, and even financially. It is important to understand what each type of abuse is, what the behaviors look like in a relationship, and how to either avoid it or stop it from continuing to happen to you.                                           I know I’m only 22 but from what I’ve been through and from observing the relationships around me there are 2 things that cause people to stay in unhealthy, abusive, dysfunctional, and unhappy relationships. Those 2 things are a lack of self love and denial. We don’t love ourselves so we want someone else to make us feel loved and validate us. We hate ourself so we just want someone to need us and maybe that hatred won’t be so loud. We lack that self love so we don’t take care of ourself, maybe if we take care of someone else we’ll like ourself better. Maybe if we focus all of our attention, time, and energy on helping someone completely toxic then we will feel better about who we are. All of these thoughts are lies that we tell ourselves hoping our life will get better, that the wounds we have will be healed, we will feel loved, and be happy. This leads to a very unhealthy place emotionally and mentally. Our worth and happiness is so unstable in this situation. It can be at an all time high and then be completely ripped away from us because it all depends on another person.                                                                                       As we live through this constantly turbulent state of happiness and sadness there is one other thing we have to do to get deeper into the relationship and stay for a long time. Deny, deny, deny. People around us will warn us that we are getting hurt and we ignore them or get mad at them because we deny that the toxic person is hurting us. We deny that they completely disregarded our feelings or are well being. We deny that the things they say to us or do to us is damaging us. We deny that everything they say does not line up with what they do. We deny that we are drained, sad, and empty. We deny that we need to get help and be healthier. We deny that we deserve better and eventually need to separate ourselves from this abusive person. When the abusive person is nice to us it feels so good though. We like the way it feels when they say nice things to us and that deep emotion that we think is love courses through our entire body. We like it when we have that friendship or romance with someone that is completely awful to us because they know how to say all of the right things and promise us everything we ever wanted. We like that when they feel like being kind it makes us feel loved and worth something. Never mind the fact that they will take that away at any moment they feel like it and we will be broken. Never mind that they take advantage of us and take no responsibility for hurting us. Never mind that those moments are just moments but the whole of the relationship is sad and going in a circle. Never mind that you are giving everything and they are giving nothing. Can you see why this is not ok? Can you see why you have felt so unhappy and broken because of the way you allow someone else to treat you? Can you understand why your sibling or best friend or parent runs around in a circle with that toxic human being?                                                                                                                                    Here’s the thing though. You are in complete control. You can take all of your power back if you get help and learn to love yourself. Getting help for me was going to therapy. I’ve done therapy for over a year now. I did systematic experiencing and EMDR. Both helped but EMDR changed my life. The reason why we don’t like ourselves is because we were taught some negative things from memories growing up. Whether your parents were abusive or not there are still weak moments that usually turn into an unpleasant memory for you. These memories along with a negative belief about yourself are saved in your mind and soul forever. Those negative beliefs about ourselves will stick with us for the rest of our lives if we don’t figure out where they are coming from and decide consciously to fight them. We say things to ourselves like, “I’m not good enough” “I don’t matter” “People don’t like me” “I’m not lovable” “I’m invisible” “I’m too weird” “I’m a burden to others” ” I’m stupid” “I don’t deserve to feel happy” “I’m not worth it” I don’t deserve to be loved completely” The list goes on and on. Don’t thoughts like this sound familiar? They did for me once too and sometimes they still creep up on me.                           EMDR stands for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. I’m not a professional but basically you are desensitizing yourself to the negative memory which is usually traumatic and to the negative belief about your self. The second part to it is reprocessing, which is basically thinking of that original negative memory with a positive belief. This way your brain is connecting a belief like “I am lovable” “I matter” “I am enough” to the negative memory so that in any situation that feels familiar to the negative memory you can automatically believe something good about yourself rather than something bad. This process takes time, dedication, and a true desire for a positive change in your life but IT IS WORTH IT. Your mental health is worth it. Your overall quality of life and happiness is worth it. The way you feel about yourself and the way you talk to yourself is very important. YOU ARE WORTH IT. I encourage you to figure out what getting help looks like for you. I’m not going to tell you that therapy is the only answer but I think it can benefit everyone in some way and create healing for those who want to be healed. I encourage you to learn how to love yourself and fully accept yourself. I would look up positive affirmations on pinterest if I were you. I’ll try to link my affirmation boards on here. I read them every single day because they help me have more self confidence and continue to build a love for myself. Loving yourself is a choice everyday and I think it takes a lifetime to truly know who you are, love who you are, and accept who you are fully. Starting that journey will help you have a happier life, healthier soul, and more fulfilling relationships. So just be brave and fight for yourself, you deserve it. self love affirmations life changing affirmations

Puzzle Pieces

When I’m depressed it’s like everything falls apart and there’s no way it can be put back together. Like all of the puzzle pieces are there but some of them don’t fit together. Like I’m empty and it doesn’t matter how much I want to be filled. Do you understand how that feels?

Face the thing that bit you

Today in my religious class my teacher started talking about the story in the bible of Moses and his people who were bit by poisonous serpents. For these people to be healed and survive all they had to do was look at the serpent that was on the staff of Moses. Many people did not look because they thought it was too simple and they died. My teacher asked us why he thought God had the people look at a serpent when it could have been anything. A few people answered and then he said that about 30 years ago a girl in his class taught him a profound lesson. He asked that question and she raised her hand and said “I think he had them look at a serpent because he wants us to face what bit us.” I found that very profound also. I’ve watched many people in my life ignore the thing that bit them and they create a life of sorrow, insecurity, and confusion. All of us have problems and all of us have things that we do that are not right. Things that are hurtful to others and deep down we know it’s hurtful. Rather than ignoring the serpents of our lives why don’t we face them with courage so we can be happy.

 

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The Journey Begins

Hi, thanks for joining me! I’m Lani. I was born and raised in Arizona and I’m still here. I’m 22, I’m going to school and working like a lot of people my age. I want to be a speech pathologist, that could change too. I wanted to start a blog because I have a lot of deep thoughts and advice and no where to share them. I have an online journal but I feel like my experiences would mean more if they were read by others. My grandma encouraged me to make one after I shared a few of my entries with her. I don’t really know where to start but I’ll find my rhythm. This picture was taken at Huntington Beach in California. I took a last minute trip there with my grandma last weekend. Sometimes I long for that ocean and I didn’t get a chance to go at all over the summer so I took this opportunity. My grandma grew up there so getting past the waves that knock you down is no problem for her. The water was cold but she wasn’t letting that stop her at all. I followed her, a little taken back by how confident she was in getting past the fear filling waves that crash down on you and make you feel like you’re going to drown. The last time I was in that ocean with my grandmother she was filled with sorrow. The subtle hint of depression moved in her and made it seem like the waves were moving slower and the ocean was darker. This visit was a completely different experience. The water was cold and she was alive. I enjoy trips like this with my grandma. She’s not the best listener but she’s good at talking and giving feedback. We can discuss important things for hours and hours. There’s always some other idea or experience to be shared. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety all of my life but when I’m in the ocean all of that seems to disappear. The salt water and life of the ocean fills me with energy. It feels like home and uplifts my soul. I think a lot of us struggle with anxiety and depression. More awareness has been brought to mental health issues and ways to cope seem more like common knowledge but we still have a long ways to go. I think the thing that causes these issues to become unmanageable in our generation is that we never talk about it with people. We have perfect lives on instagram and lots of fun according to our snapchat stories. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it’s necessary to break down crying on social media or have a melt down but I do think it is necessary to share our struggles with the people closest to us. I don’t think we can truly overcome them or have meaningful relationships if we only share the good and pretend like everything is fine all of the time. Some of the most cherished moments of my life are of me being vulnerable and honest about my life and struggles with someone that I love. Be brave this week. Be open and honest with someone that you trust. You will be surprised at how many people around you are struggling with the same thing. Stop pretending everything is perfect because it’s not. No one is perfect and no one’s life is perfect. Let’s connect and be a strength to each other. The ocean will always make waves but sometimes it’s covered in darkness from the clouds and other times it’s a beautiful bright blue from the sun, it doesn’t really matter if no one ever sees the difference in it’s mood.

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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