As 2018 comes to an end I am filled with gratitude and hope. Gratitude for the painful experiences of this year and the learning that came from them. Gratitude for the growth of my soul and character. I feel hope for a new year, a fresh start. I feel hope for the goals that I will accomplish and for the new people I will get to meet in 2019. I think this is the first time I’ve felt this way about a new year. I think that a new year can cause us some anxieties and fears but they aren’t very loud for me this year. I just feel optimistic and excited.
I want everyone to feel like that. You are worthy of a happy and positive 2019. You can and will have success during this next year. You’ll transform your life into what you want it to be or be grateful for the way that it already is. Many people will express their love and appreciation for you and I hope you do the same for them. As we acknowledge the low points and some suffering of this year, let’s remember what we learned and focus on what we can do and become in this next year. Let’s remember to be grateful for all of the wonderful things and people that we already have. What matters most to you? Is there anyone you need to forgive? Is there something you need to fix or change or stop doing? I wish you with the courage it takes to face these things so that you don’t get to the end of your life looking back with regret or the hope for a little bit more time to appreciate what matters most in this life. I wish you all a Merry Christmas and hope that you have a peaceful and wonderful new year.
We don’t have to do it all alone. We were never meant to. -Brene Brown
I love this quote by Brene Brown because I think that we forget that it’s true. It’s true that we were not meant to go through life bearing our burdens and heart aches all alone. Then why do we do it? Why do we convince ourselves that we don’t need anyone else or that no one cares or that we are better off keeping it to ourselves? It is because we are hurt and we lack self love/compassion. Could you imagine telling someone that no one cares about them or that they don’t need anyone else or that they are better of keeping it to themselves! Then why are you saying those kinds of things to yourself? Another problem is that sometimes we do decide to open up and be vulnerable with someone and they hurt us. They betray us. They cause us a pain we didn’t know was possible. It’s not ok that you got hurt but that doesn’t mean that you will never be able to open up again. It doesn’t mean that anyone you are vulnerable with is going to hurt you. It does mean that you have to take many lessons from the person that did hurt you. Did this person love them self? Did this person exemplify a happy and healthy life that you wanted? Did this person have self destructive habits and when they did hurt you did they refuse to take responsibility? Why would you trust your heart with someone like that? Even if you are still in contact with them you can’t be willing to hand over your heart to them when they don’t even treasure their own. Don’t listen to what people say, watch what they do. Observe the way they live their life and the way they treat the people who are closest to them. Pay attention to what they talk about and where they focus their energy. If they tell you everything you want to hear and promise you everything you want to be promised then RUN. People aren’t perfect so they shouldn’t be saying everything you want to hear and promising you everything they want to be promised, it’s a trap. If they love you they will offer you a shoulder to cry on and a warm embrace with clear boundaries and expectations for them self and for you. If they have no boundaries and give empty promises consistently then they have no clue how to take care of them self and their problems and their is no way in hell they can offer you authentic support. They just aren’t capable, they never took the time to learn. Another lesson to take away from a heart breaking experience is that you are worth more than that and you need to take care of yourself. Take care of your own heart. Take care of your emotional needs. Be kind to yourself in your thoughts. Validate yourself. Take care of your physical body. Do all of that and you will be freed from the belief that you are only valuable and worthy of love if it is coming from someone who is just as mean to them self as you are to yourself. You don’t have to do it all alone. You were never meant to. So take the time to build yourself up and heal your heart so that you can trust others and build meaningful, happy relationships. Relationships are supposed to bring you support and joy. Not stress and sadness. Imagine your life filled with people that offer that genuine support and friendship, it will be so happy. You don’t have to do it all alone. You were never meant to.
There are times in life where things are really hard. I mean really hard. Like everything seems to be falling apart or one bad thing happens after another. These times can be discouraging and filled with sorrow. I think we all know how it feels to be kicked by life when we are already down. I find it more bearable during these less fun times if I soak in the times where everything doesn’t seem as bad as it is. Like when everything is awful but a friend randomly checks in on you and it makes you smile. Or when you get to stand on the beach and listen to the waves even though you live in Arizona. Or when you just laugh your head off for at least an hour with an old friend or close family member. Or when you watch the people you’re with walk ahead of you at some ice cream shop you left or wherever and you are so happy to be there and so happy they are a part of your life. During tough times hold onto these moments. Soak them in and don’t forget the wonderful times among one of the most difficult times. You will always make it through these rough times with grace, true learning, and a smile if you take the time to do this.
Detaching from someone you love can be very painful. It takes time and it really is a learning process. Detaching from someone doesn’t mean that you don’t love them anymore. It doesn’t mean that you don’t care about them anymore but it does mean that you love yourself enough to walk away. Walk away from their toxic behavior. Walk away from them hurting you over and over again. Walk away from the pain that they so easily cause you without the ability or willingness to take responsibility for it. You have to love yourself to successfully do this. What do you like about yourself? What strengths do you have? What kind of person are you? If you’re here reading this I assume that you are a very empathetic and kind person. I assume that you are loving and deserve the world. You deserve all of the love and compassion that you give so freely even to people who hurt you and have nothing to offer you. Believe my words. Hold onto those words and walk away from that toxic person with a grace and sorrow that most people can’t understand. I understand it though, in a way because I’ve done it.
Read self affirmations everyday until you believe them. There’s a book called The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations for Codependents (Hazelden Meditation Series and it is filled with affirmations that will help you heal and create emotional resistance for yourself. I’m reading it right now and it’s very powerful! You can buy it on amazon for $12, just click on the title of it here The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations for Codependents (Hazelden Meditation Series). (You can even get it on your kindle!) I’m telling you this book will make a real difference in your life so just give it a read. Create boundaries with this person. You can’t fix them. You can’t do their emotional work for them. You are not responsible for their healing or decisions. It’s ok to say no to them. You don’t have to anticipate their needs. You are enough and you are responsible for your own happiness, that’s all. Forgive this person and yourself and eventually, you will be able to give love without receiving it from them. The truth is you will become a strong and healthy person. You will be capable of loving yourself and taking care of yourself so you won’t need someone else to do that. You won’t have to sacrifice your emotional or mental health so that you can feel loved by them or anyone else. No one can make you love yourself or appreciate yourself you are the only that can do that. Don’t focus on the fact that they abused the love and goodness you offered them. Focus on the fact that you have the ability to love and be kind even when you are broken and being mistreated but now you want more for yourself. You realize there is more for you and you hope that they realize that one day too. For now you walk away, you love yourself, you forgive, and you keep a big distance from them. Don’t confide in this person anymore. Don’t express your love openly and consistently. Don’t trust them with your feelings and hard times. Don’t be vulnerable with them. It’s not out of bitterness or hate it is out of self respect. If you’re here reading this know that doing any of those things you wish you could desperately do with this person are completely dangerous if you want to detach and heal. It will stop your progress and make you take steps backwards. You can do it though. I believe in you and so does everyone else that loves you more than they hurt you.
Have you ever broken a bone or had some kind of serious injury and just continued about your day? Did you act like it would just go away and that the pain wasn’t that big of a deal? Did you try to ignore it and continue living like nothing was wrong? Yeah, me neither. Doesn’t that sound completely ridiculous? To break your arm and not go to the hospital! Well it’s the same thing with mental health. A lot of us know what it feels like to have a broken mind. A lot of us have experienced anxiety, depression, and many other issues that break our minds and hearts.We all have emotional wounds and trauma that cause us pain daily. The definition of trauma is experiences that have caused us psychological injury or pain. Do we not all have at least one experience that has caused us psychological injury or pain? How can we say that we haven’t? How can we say that it’s weird or we are a little crazy to acknowledge and take care of the damage left behind because of those experiences? For some this pain is like a sprained ankle and for others it’s like a broken femur.
How do we think we can ignore these wounds and continue on happily in our lives? Do you know the damage you would cause your body if you just chilled while your broken leg tried to heal itself? Would you die? No. The way you would walk and the pain you would feel each day would be different forever. So why in the world do we think we can just deal with our trauma and emotional wounds by just continuing on with our lives. Just move forward and act like nothing is wrong. Will we die? No. Will our decisions and actions be affected negatively by the wounds we never tended to? Yes. On top of that, our ability to be happy and to experience daily joy will be decreased. There is healing and personal growth in therapy and healthy coping mechanisms. I would start by learning a little about a type of therapy called EMDR. Read my previous post “Broken Heart” if you want a simple explanation of it. I would also suggest looking at boundaries and positive affirmations . Even researching healthy coping mechanisms into google is a start to understanding and eventually healing. You are worth it and you deserve to feel the healing of your mind and heart!
Often I find myself longing for human connection but willing to speak to no one. Like my heart and mind are spilling over with things to share but no one to share them with. Aren’t we all surrounded with people who love us? Don’t we all know at least one person that we trust and can confide in, for me the answer is yes. Yet, I find myself in these lonely places sometimes. The definition of lonely is affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone. The definition of alone is separate, apart, or isolated from others. One involves depressing feelings but the other does not. I’m not in lonely places because I’m alone but because I don’t have the energy or desire to reach out when I’ve been in my mind for too long. Sometimes I do and it helps and that connection is meaningful. Other times I stay in my mind alone until I fall asleep.
I’ve found that being alone is not what makes me unhappy, it’s all of the things that are attached to being alone that make me feel unhappy. Being alone means you don’t have any friends. Being alone means that no one wants to be in a romantic relationship with you. Being alone means that no one cares about you. The only thing is…..none of that is true. There are so many people who I consider friends and if I picked up my phone and told them I felt lonely or sad they would cheer me up and probably even come over to keep me company. Just because I’m alone and not in a relationship doesn’t mean that no one wants to be in a relationship with me. I just haven’t met them yet, I haven’t clicked with someone in that way yet but I’ll continue to put myself out there and meet new people. I bet the same is true for you. To believe that no one cares about you because some weekends you spend alone or you feel lonely during your week is foolish. We will all experience this feeling at some point in our lives and we will all have times where we really do walk a path all alone. I think that you are loved and cared for also but you have to open your eyes and reach out if you are in darkness or sadness. People who love you and care about you can’t read your mind so pick up your phone and send a text even if it gives you anxiety. Being vulnerable is brave and will help you realize how many others feel lonely at times too.
You know what I think is worse? To sacrifice who you are or what you want so that you never have to be alone. To lose yourself so that you never ever have to sit in your room alone on a Friday night. You know what is more painful? To be with people who make you feel alone, whether it be your friends or romantic partner. The deepest pain and most hurtful wounds I have seen in the people I love are when they are in a relationship and yet they feel so completely alone and sad. How could you accept a relationship that brings you such heavy loneliness. Walk away from it bravely. There are so many souls filled with light and who are altruistic, be one of those souls so that you can be with one of those souls. Loneliness is found in negativity. It’s found in self hatred. It’s found in someone who never wants to see you do better than them or be happier than them. It’s found in friends who put you down. It’s found in a jealous and controlling girlfriend/boyfriend. It’s found in a partner who expects you to make them feel happy and loved and yet they have nothing to give to you and are willing to offer none of what they expect. Walk away, being alone isn’t dark and sad. Feeling lonely is.